I Hate Myself Today / Asphyxiation

When I feel depressed, I remember thousands of instances in which I didn't measure up to my or others' expectation, and then I shout inwardly and mumble to myself, "I hate myself." It becomes so bad that my wife and children can hear me saying this, the only saving grace being that my children may not yet know what it means.

I hate myself for the times when I took a risk and it turned out badly, and I hate myself as well for the times when I failed to take a risk and lost an opportunity. I hate myself because people laugh[ed] at me and because I care that people laugh[ed] at me. I hate myself for being depressed and for not being able to find a way out of my depression.

Certainly, I could endeavor to love myself, but the mere thought makes me angry. I tried before, hard, and was unsuccessful, falling backward hard, into worse traps than those I had escaped. FUCK recovery!

I wish I were dead right now, and I revile myself for lacking the coverage to kill myself.

Before I went to sleep last night, I wondered if swallowing large objects would be a reliable way to die? If one didn't die, would the attempt leave any negative after-effects (aside from the terrible experience of not being able to breathe?)

Choking or food asphyxiation hazards include hot dogs, gum drops, nuts, taco chips, steak, or any food that is not chewed sufficiently to be swallowed and hence, becomes lodged in the pharynx, blocking the opening to the esophagus and larynx (11, 78). Even grapes given to very young infants or children have caused a number of fatalities. People must chew food adequately before swallowing.

Old age, poor dentition, and alcohol consumption also contribute to fatal food asphyxiation or choking on food (129). People should not give large pieces of food to children and the elderly, or to any individuals who are incapable of chewing the food before it is swallowed. It is also beneficial to be trained to perform the Heimlich maneuver and Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation, and to travel with other individuals who are trained in these procedures. Hi-Tm.Com

Another source says,

While reports of suicide by smothering and strangulation are common, suicide by choking is far more rare. In addition to the act being difficult to carry out, suspected cases are not easily distinguished from accidental or homicidal deaths. Here, we present a case of suicide by choking on toilet paper in a patient with a long history of schizophrenia. The case was ruled a suicide based on the patient having been witnessed in a previous unsuccessful attempt of the same act. "Choking on Toilet Paper: An Unusual Case of Suicide and a Review of the Literature on Suicide by Smothering, Strangulation, and Choking," The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology

A lot of different items can cause asphyxia if swallowed:

Foreign Body Aspiration
Fatal food asphyxia has a number of predisposing
factors that include old age, poor dentition, insuffi-
ciently chewing food, semi-solid diet, alcohol use,
sedative drug use, reduced motor coordination,
dementia, long-term care facility residence, sedative
drug use, and various neurological and other dis-
eases (e.g., Parkinson’s disease).
12,23,84-86
A study of
Chinese adults found foreign body aspiration to be
localized more in the lower airway, resulting from
bone fragments in 49% of cases.
87
Here the mean
age was 60.5 years, with a range from 24-80 years of
age and 81% were male. Another study concluded
that unchewed meat or sausage caused choking in
67% of cases, with breads, cookies, and pastries
12%, fruits or vegetables accounted for another 8%,
cheese and egg products 2%, and the remaining
(2%) known sources were non-food items including
dentures, a hair ornament, and a cork.

Preventing Asphyxiation and Choking Injuries in Manitoba