My Most Pervasive Globalized Thoughts of Self-Hate and Suicide

My psychologist insists that my depression originates in my globalized thoughts, such as the thought that "I have myself" - a thought that makes me feel angry, sad and desperate - all of which thoughts lead to the still more globalized thought that "I wish I were dead."

In fact, my most pervasive globalized thoughts are that "I hate myself" and "I wish I were dead," precisely in that order. But, just as we can learn something by abandoning the word "racist" and identifying specific ideational, emotional and physical behavior patterns that are color-aroused and dysfunctional, in others and in ourselves, so I can learn something about myself when I say, "I hate myself when . . . " and "I wish I were dead when . . ."

I hate myself when I look at seven hundred women walking along the street before and beside me and I am compelled to accept that I cannot have one or all of them. And then I wish I were dead.

I hate myself when I think of things I would need to do, in addition to what I am already doing, to make a go of it, and I realize that I am not willing to do those things. And then I feel trapped in my own unwillingness and I wish I were dead.

Parenthetically, I feel desperate when I realize that the United States may well be on the verge of electing its first woman or Black president - a lifelong goal of mine to see that happen - and yet, in my private depressions, I feel so overwhelmed with my own grief that I wish I were dead, regardless of whether I live to see my aspirations all of the social and political changes I hoped for are on the verge of being realized and I feel so bad that I don't want to live to see the changes come to fruition.

I hate myself when when I leave a woman who loves me and I find myself alone.

Parenthetically, my psychologist insists that my depression originates in my globalized thoughts, such as the thought that "I have myself" - a thought that makes me feel angry, sad and desperate - all of which thoughts lead to the still more globalized thought that "I wish I were dead."

I hate myself when I suspect that my friends and the public are ignoring my blog.

I hate myself when I think I am inconsequential, but I don't stop hating myself when everything tells me that I am making a big difference. That is a symptom of depression.