Conversing with Readers About Bestialistic Behaviors and Child Sexual Abuse

In response to a previous post, Anne said the following by e-mail (reprinted with her permission) and my response is below:

Great post, Francis. Once again, there's so much to think
about. Im happy for you that you can talk to your wife about what bothers
you, and also have some supportive friends. I suspect it means more to
your wife than you realize, that you are able to confide in her, and
she is able to get to know the inner you. Your story sounds like the
loss (or at least partial loss) of childhood innocence - not the making
love part, but how you were made to feel about it afterward.

As a parent, I can understand your childhood friends mother wanting to keep them away
from sexual activity at that age, but its a shame that she handled the
situation so badly. It reminds me of when I was 7 or 8 years old and liked
a little boy in my class. Turns out he didnt feel the same way. I
handed him a love note, expecting him to respond in a positive way.
Instead, he took it directly to a teacher (a nun, since it was a catholic
school). I felt betrayed by the boy. The nun called my parents in for a
conference and she proceeded to tell me how much she disapproved of my
note.

I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I dont think adults often
realize it, or maybe they dont care, but that sort of shame is a rude
awakening that can break something inside a child. We dont understand until
much later, if we ever do, that those parents/teachers reactions were
over-the-top and uncalled-for.

We take to heart their every word and action. They lead us to believe, or maybe it is in
our young human nature to believe, that adults are nearly
omnipotent/omniscient; therefore, if they say we are horrible human beings, or we
deserve outrageous treatment, they must be right. Its very difficult to
undo that sort of mental programming.

One question, if you dont mind my asking: what exactly did you mean by hidden consort with the family dogs and cats?

Anne

* * * * * * *

In response to Anne, I said,

Dear Anne:

I used to rub myself against the dogs and cats to
ejaculate, when I was a teenager.  You might say that I had become
dehumanized, almost utterly out of touch with mywith my every intimate and
sexual expression hidden, disgraceful and shameful. Once I had learned
that it wasn't safe to consort with, girls and it wasn't safe to
consort with boys, the family pets were my best friends and my only
consolation.

Anne responded, asking,

Hi, Francis. I'm starting to wonder how you're feeling, opening up in a way
that seems intense, at least from here. I want to be sure that you're
o.k. and not putting yourself through too much stress all at once.

About the pets, I was concerned that you might have unintentionally hurt them,
but it doesnt seem that what you described would hurt an animal. It sounds more like YOU
were hurting emotionally.

Often when we are hurting, we do things we think will ease the pain,
but it ends up making us feel worse in the long run. I know there are
several reasons a persons sexuality can become
unhealthy, including abuse and needing love/confusing sex with love. The
thing that surprises me is how young you were when you started wanting
sex. I had no real concept of what sex was until my teens. It sounds like
maybe you were touched inappropriately by someone when you were very
young? (Some estimates say that about 1 in 7 men were.) 

Anne was very perceptive with this comment, which prompted more self-revelation on my part.


I said,


Dear Anne:

You're right on the money about being touched and stimulated inappropriately when I was young, so I'd like to this there and then comment upon it prominently.
I've been feeling a lighter mood the last couple of days,

almost euphoric about having unburdened myself publicly. I've always
wanted to publish an unvarnished autobiography, with Manchild in the
Promised Land (reviewed here) as my model. And that's what I'm doing here, one topic and
incident at a time.

Francis