Every time I see my step-daughter, my breath stops. And then I become aware that I'm not breathing, and I consciously start breathing again. One ought not hold one's breath before the beauty of one's own step-daughter. She's only twelve years old!
Her beauty is that of a child only barely starting to become an adult physically. She still has the lithe movements and quick smile of a child, and she loves her "daddy" dearly. And I love her as well.
So, why do I feel so guilty? When she walks into a room, I look at her budding breasts, barely intelligible. If she sits with her legs uncrossed (as children often do), I am tempted to look up her dress, like a schoolboy, and I feel so embarrassed. I must be very sick, very twisted.
As she walks out of a room, I follow her behind with my eyes, looking at her buttocks, and I again I feel deeply ashamed.
When we walk together along the streets, she takes my hand, rests her head on my shoulder, or I take her hand or thrown my arm around her. Are we father and step-daughter or romantic lovers? I know what we are and yet my body and my emotions and my desires get confused.
When she comes of age, will my step-daughter give me the child that I have always wanted? And have I entirely lost my mind?
I love my daughter's long and curly black hair just as it is, as I often reassure her.
I care like a father, I discipline like a father, I provide like a father and I love like a father. But in my mind, where no one can look but where my consciousness lives, I desire her like a suitor, even though she is only twelve years old and her mother is my wife.
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4 comments:
This is flat out gross, get out of the relationship with her mother, and leave them alone!
My only advice would be to try to learn to think of her in a non-sexual manner. For example, when you find such thoughts coming up, quickly mentally change the subject, or remove yourself from the situation (where possible). Hypnosis may also help; a simple association of sexual thoughts about her with something negative may fairly quickly remove the issue.
or removing yourself from the situation entirely might also help. I can't excuse adult attraction toward children. This girl trust and needs you, if she recognizes your secret lust to any degree it may destroy her.
Zimbel, I just wrote a long comment and then lost the whole thing. Thanks for for your suggestions, which seem very reasonable.
Fortunately, I've been hyperbolic above, exaggerated. What I've described as if they were persistent obsessive thoughts are really ephemeral fantasies rather than overwhelming "lust" or outward realities. But I've written about it because I don't want to have these thoughts at all, and the fact that I do troubles me.
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