Carbemazepine (Tegrex, Tegretol) and Me

I've been taking carbemazepine for a year, although I've had mild to moderate symptoms of manic depressive disorder (everything but psychosis) since I was a teenager. And yet, when I began taking carbemazepine, I only spoke with a doctor whom I trusted once and began taking one 200 mg tablet per day, in the morning, often without eating any breakfast first.

Now, because I often start the day feeling encouraged and singing and end the day feeling despondent, morbid and preferably dead, I am considering taking more carbemazepine. And as I read literature on the Internet, this seems like a perfectly reasonable idea. For example, an article entitled "CARBAMAZEPINE THERAPY: What is Manic Depression?", says:

How should carbamazepine be taken? Carbamazepine is usually taken in divided doses over the course of the day usually 3 or 4 times daily. To minimize side effects most doctors will gradually increase the dose until the desired effect is achieved. Later the dose may again be adjusted with the goal of finding the 'minimal effective dose' i.e. the least amount of drug needed to obtain the desired side effect. Many people prefer to take their medication with meals, which not only help them remember to take it, but also helps to avoid nausea that may occur if it is taken on an empty stomach. CARBAMAZEPINE THERAPY: What is Manic Depression?

Since I've only been taking one 200 mg tablet per day, I'm going to increase that (Yes, "I") to 400 mg and see what happens. I'm going to contact a psychiatrist to confirm this decision, but not one who lives close to me. If they find out that I'm actively considering suicide much of the time, then they might want to put me in a hospital (and I might want to go at first), only to find myself locked up and unable to get out without someone else's permission.

Actually, I am at high risk for suicidal behavior according to standard criteria, because I have recently moved away from my wife and the town where I lived for four years; I have an anemic social system where I now live; I have acute financial troubles and worries; and I have a history of suicidal behavior and gestures, as well as hospitalizations. What's more, I have talked about suicide with virtually everyone I know (I asked my barber to slit my throat with his straight razor).

The only missing ingredient seems to be drug and alcohol use, which would at once potentiate the other drugs I'm taking (make them stronger as potential poisons), remove my inhibitions and judgment, and make me more likely to engage in risk-taking behavior. If I really wanted to die, I would have to start drinking (grain?) alcohol in large quantities, along with much larger doses of the other medications I'm taking.

And all of that still might not work. It might only land me in a mental hospital where I would have fewer choices than I have now. That's why I've decided that if I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to behead myself.

Since I don't have a history of beheading myself and I do have a history of trying various medications to make me feel better, it seems more in keeping with my past behavior to just try more carbemazepine and see how it works.

Oh, one more thing: I don't drive anymore because my anger made it dangerous to do so. But, I'm sure it would be less dangerous to drive while taking this mind confusing drug then to drive like a maniac without it.