Oh, What a Mess!

Well, now I've done it! I've slept until every conceivable store and restaurant that would accept a credit or debit card is closed, and I have nothing whatsoever to eat. I might have bought something earlier but what little money is in my checking account is borrowed, to prevent my checks from bouncing. It would make little sense now to spend that money on food, only to see my checks bounce later.

My head hurts a little bit, either from hunger, tiredness, or physical exhaustion, having walked to every restaurant with a quarter mile to see if they would accept a debit card. None of them do.

To avoid robberies and kidnappings, Bank of Brazil "twenty-four hour tellers" are open for withdrawals only until ten o'clock at night. Get your money early or don't get it at all.

I could have eaten at my friend's house, particularly having supplied that house with food for precisely that purpose, using checks payable thirty days from now. But, I was asleep when they were eating and now I am hungry when they are sleeping.

I don't seem to be doing very well at getting my basic needs met.

Sometimes I reflect on friends that I had when I participated in various "programs", only to remember that that was sixteen years ago. I am not so loyal as to remember friends sixteen years after I last spoke with them. I am unwillingly loyal to the desire to kill myself that I feel when I reflect on our conversations and interactions.

I have gotten somewhat better at maintaining friendships over the last five years, and so I am less likely to feel intense self-loathing when I think of these friends, with whom I am still in friendly contact. My sibling closest in age is an exception. I don't speak with him. I'm free and I'm proud.

Sometimes, the idea of eating my dog occurs to me. I'm sure I would regret it afterward, but it would kill the hunger right now. I could drive a steel bar through her from one end to the other and then attach welding electrodes to each end of the steel bar, roasting her from the inside out. I've never tried that before, and it probably wouldn't work.

I am trying to call my wife, fruitlessly so far, or rather to signal her to get on MSN, without paying for a long-distance phone call to her cellphone. As far as I can see, I basically have two choices this evening: wait until daybreak and spend money I don't have on food, or hang myself and thereby avoid all additional (and past) expenses. Tired as I am, if I just get in the bed I am likely to sleep for hours and hours. Of course, I still won't have any money when I wake up. But I could buy some food at the supermarket with a check for sixty days out.

What silliness obsessing over eating! I can simply fast until my financial situation improves, resolving the problem of hunger by making a resolute decision not to eat, just as the alcoholic resolves his obsession with drinking by making a resolute decision to refrain and simply not entertain the idea of drinking at all.

Now, my eyes are closed and m head is rolling around on my neck. This might be a good time to sleep, if I had any sense.

My friends here are Catholics. They believe in God. I hate God if God exists at all. There is simply no heavenly excuse for the operation of nature or for the interactions between man and man, and between members of other animal species. The laws of nature require that most of us animals (and even plants) eat or be eaten. That fluffy bunny rabbit has to give himself eventually to the fox, and the fox to the dog. It's God's plan.

It must also be God's plan that humans eat each other, metaphorically mostly, and so I have no use for "God." The value of God requires that we give him credit for all that is good and attribute all that is bad to our own failings, or aspects of nature that God cannot or will not control. Typhoon in India? It's God's will. White fosphorous raining down on Gaza? That, too, is part of God's perfect plan.

Well, excuse me, but God can go fuck himself.