January 26, 2009

Two Simultaneous Affairs?

Tonight, after a meal of spaghetti bolognaise with cut corn, my friend and I began discussing my dog and women (or the lack of the latter). I confided that I had recently begun encouraging my dog to sleep in my bed with me.

My friend asked if I was having an affair with my dog.

I said, "I'm having TWO affairs with her! One in her asshole and another in her pussy!"

And then I began laughing uncontainably, wickedly, as if the devil himself had indwelled my funnybone.

My friend asked me again if I was having an affair with my dog. I said, 'Asked and answered!'

As if often the case, he didn't know whether to believe me or not, since I had just told him that I was going to begin practicing gynecology. He urged that I would need to go to school for that, but I retorted that I could learn all I needed to know in three days on the Internet.

I have often thought of opening an emergency care clinic in my home. I would simply put out a sign saying emergency care and turn my livingroom into a waiting room. When family members brought a desperately sick relative in for diagnosis and treatment, I would aske them to wait in the waiting room while the sick came to my "operating room." Then, I'd take a sledgehammer and whack the sick person over the head six or seven times, as the case required. When, after hours, the family finally asked urgently how their relative was doing, I would emerge from my operating room covered in blood (and some gore) and sadly announce, 'He didn't survive. That's the tough part about medicine: Sometimes what seems like a bad head cold can turn into a much worse head trauma.'

Maybe it would be better to be a gynecologist, using the most sensitive exploration tools that a man has to offer.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Have I failed to offend some of my readers? Come back tomorrow. Blogging is a progressive illness.

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